


"did you ever love me"

by potatolesbian



Series: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Unrequited Love, no actually sexual content because for i cannot write the dicking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:02:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27529651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potatolesbian/pseuds/potatolesbian
Summary: Day 5: Realizations
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou (implied), Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, kurotsuki (one sided)
Series: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2005972
Comments: 3
Kudos: 58





	"did you ever love me"

Tsukishima knows. He knows he has no right feeling any sort of pity towards himself. Especially after what he did to Yamaguchi. He knows he messed up. He messed up really badly.

If you asked him why he did it then he wouldn’t be able to give you a proper answer, it wasn’t that Yamaguchi was a bad boyfriend or anything like that. He was actually a really good boyfriend. He would text Tsukishima and just makes sure to check up on him every now and then. He would leave him alone when he simply asked him to. He would buy him gifts and give it to him and say something like,  _ “I don’t know it just reminded me of you so I bought it.”  _ They would go on dates, stay home together, talk during late nights. They didn’t even feel the need to put so much effort because they felt like each other’s company was enough. That they had each other and that’s all that mattered. Tsukishima didn’t realize he wanted more. He didn’t realize until he suddenly met Kuroo again.

It was sudden, he was on his way home from work. He just wanted one drink before going home. And he was just there. It had been years, Kuroo had changed but not so much to the point Tsukishima hadn’t recognized him. Kuroo had immediately recognized him and called him over. They caught up with almost everything. Almost. They talked about things after graduation, their college life, their jobs but for some reason, Kuroo was purposely avoiding any topic about his love life. He also didn’t say anything about him and Yamaguchi.

He had feelings for Kuroo at one point. Even Yamaguchi knew that. But he wasn’t able to do anything about it, after the famous battle of the garbage dump, Kuroo had seemed to magically disappear from his life. He was never able to tell him about his feelings and then the next thing he knew, he was in a relationship with Yamaguchi. And that was the end of that. Or at least that’s what he thought. After they had their drinks, both Tsukishima and Kuroo had to leave. Kuroo asked him to come back tomorrow as well.

_ “Why?” _

_ “Why? Don’t you want to?” _

He had given it a thought. He did want to and that day was nice. He just nodded,  _ “Alright fine I’ll be back tomorrow.”  _

It was supposed to be just them meeting up again. It was supposed to be just them catching up with other things, maybe he would’ve told him about Yamaguchi. It wasn’t supposed to go so out of hand.

He was only expecting to meet him again and maybe just talk and hang out. He wasn’t expecting them to be all over each other by the end of the night. He wasn’t expecting them to kiss or even go back to Kuroo’s apartment instead of his own. He wasn’t expecting him to go drunk on Kuroo’s lips or feel like he was back to being that high schooler who liked Kuroo and that this was all that he ever wanted. He wasn’t expecting himself to feel this specific type of excitement that he just never felt with Yamaguchi. He wasn’t expecting to wake up the next morning on Kuroo’s bed. 

Surely Kuroo was there as well. But Tsukishima didn’t say anything to him. His head was filled with too many thoughts.  _ What did I do? Why did I do that? Do I tell him I’m with someone else? How do I tell Yamaguchi? What will happen between us? What will happen between me and Kuroo? _

“Do you wanna maybe do this again?” Kuroo asked, breaking the silence between them and snapping him out of his thoughts. Tsukishima just stared at him for a moment. He should say no. He should just tell the truth and vouch that they would never see each other again. It was the right thing to do. “Okay.” Was something he said instead.

Not moving in with Yamaguchi was very advantageous at that moment than at any other moment. He would just go home, shower and lay on his bed alone without having anyone question him about anything. It gave him time to process everything that happened. He checked his phone to see that he had gotten multiple texts from Yamaguchi. He only looked at the last three texts.

**Yamaguchi :):** Tsukki!! Are you home yet?

Do you wanna come over?

Tsukki??

Guilt was slowly crawling up his throat.

**Me:** Sorry I fell asleep last night..

He got a reply only a few seconds later

**Yamaguchi :):** Oh that’s okay

Can I come over today?

**Me:** Actually

I think I wanna be alone today

**Yamaguchi :):** Oh is everything alright?

**Me:** Yeah everything’s fine don’t worry about it

**Yamaguchi :):** Okay text me if you need anything

Love you <3

He gripped his phone a bit too tightly after reading the last text.

**Me:** Love you too

He shut his phone off and threw it somewhere on the bed. He needed silence. He needed to be alone.

As the day progressed, he was slowly accepting what he had done. He fucked up. He had fucked up big time. He had lied to both Kuroo and Yamaguchi. He knew the right the thing to do was to just tell them both the truth. He also knew if he told them the truth, both of them would leave him. He couldn’t lose Yamaguchi, his feelings for Yamaguchi was messed up and confusing but Yamaguchi was his closest friend and the one who understood him the best. He didn’t want to lose Yamaguchi. He couldn’t lose Kuroo. Maybe he hadn’t gotten rid of those feelings he felt a long time ago. After last night, he just wanted more and more. Not only that, Kuroo had finally re-entered his life like a second chance was given to him. He wasn’t ready to let that slip away. So he made his decision. He wouldn’t tell Yamaguchi about Kuroo and Kuroo would never know about Yamaguchi.

To Tsukishima’s surprise, it had actually gone pretty smoothly for him. For three weeks at least. For three weeks, he had bounced back and forth between Kuroo and Yamaguchi. He was able to lie back and forth and make excuses between Kuroo and Yamaguchi.

_ “I’m sorry I can’t make it, I took an extra shift on my work.” _

_ “I can’t come over today, I promised a friend I would meet up with them.” _

_ “Don’t worry about it, I’m just really tired tonight.” _

_ “Yeah, I’m just not in a mood today.” _

He kept piling up lies upon lies. Kept covering his tracks in every way possible. Kept balancing between the boy he was slowly falling for and the boy he was slowly falling out of love with. And it worked, for three weeks at least.

The next three weeks, he found himself falling for Kuroo more and more. He didn’t mean to, but he had unconsciously started comparing Yamaguchi to Kuroo. Trying to find what Kuroo had that made Tsukishima’s heart beating in a way Yamaguchi wasn’t able to. Trying to find out why he kept wanting more of Kuroo every day.

He made up excuses for himself. Reasons as to why he was doing what he was.  _ It wasn’t my fault that I ended up liking Kuroo more than Yamaguchi. I’m not in control of my feelings or impulses. It’s not my fault Kuroo made me feel things that Yamaguchi wasn’t able to do. It wasn’t my fault. _

But deep down inside, he knew. He knew if he had just grown some balls and spoken to both Yamaguchi and Kuroo then it would’ve probably been easier for all of them. Then maybe they all would’ve been able to take time to think about it. Then he wouldn’t keep them in the mess they were currently in. But he already dug a grave big enough that it was impossible to crawl out. So he would do the only thing he could do, he kept digging and getting deeper and deeper into his mess. He knew. He knew he was fucked.

He was surprised it had even lasted for three weeks before it all started falling apart in front of him. It started when he noticed Kuroo slowly grow distant. He still went over to his apartment. They still did what they did. But it different now. It felt like Kuroo had detached himself. Even if Tsukishima was right there in front of him, it felt like Kuroo was putting some kind of barrier between them. He didn’t understand. He was getting desperate, he just wanted to get closer to him. The further he felt from Kuroo, the colder Kuroo treated him, it was driving him crazy. He needed to get closer. One day when he went to Kuroo’s, he finally asked.

“Is something wrong?”

“Huh?” Kuroo responded.

“Just...you seem off.” 

Kuroo didn’t reply. They stayed in silence for a long time, then Kuroo spoke, “I love someone else.” “What?” That ached. 

“I love someone else. But their with another person right now. Not only that but I haven’t spoken to them in awhile. They were my close friend but now they’ve turned into a stranger. I’ve kept trying to forget them, kept trying to look for them in different people, tried to replace them with different people but it never worked,” he sighed, “but I still continued doing it, I guess I just got addicted to the process itself.” Tsukishima didn’t know how to respond, he didn’t know where this was going, he just listened.

“That’s my reason but what’s yours?” Tsukishima looked at him with a confused expression, “What?”

“I mean I have been trying to replace this one person in my life by doing this, so why are you doing this? When you’re in a perfectly good relationship with another person.”  _ Oh. _ It then dawned upon him. He didn’t know what else to say, so he just asked, “How long have you known?” “About a week.” “Why didn’t you say anything sooner?” Kuroo looked at him straight in the eyes, “I don’t care what you do. I’m doing this for my own benefit. After all, I am also in love with another. So this is nothing to me.” That hurt. He wanted to tell Kuroo it wasn’t nothing for him. That he was slowly falling for him instead. But he knew. He knew how wrong that sounded. So he just left.

So this is what karma is.

He processed everything. Kuroo knew. Kuroo knew and now would never fall for him, he would slowly disappear from his life, he would only see Tsukishima as someone that was using him to cheat on Yamaguchi. He took a deep breath. He did this to himself. He was in no place to take pity on himself. He had an option to make this right and he didn’t take it, instead, he went after his own selfish desires. He was starting to realize.

Realize what he did was wrong. Realize that the outcome he had dreaded was now inevitable. Realize that he had no one else to blame but himself.

There was only one thing he could do now. Take the initiative to tell Yamaguchi himself. And so he did. 

It ended up with him getting kicked out of Yamaguchi’s apartment. He expected it but the hurt look on Yamaguchi’s face made him realize how badly he messed up.

He didn’t move an inch once he got home. He just laid in his bed and took in all the shame he was feeling. He desperately wanted to go back and make things right with Kuroo and Yamaguchi but it was too late. After a few days, he finally took a breath and took the courage to get into his car, drive to Yamaguchi and text him so they could talk one last time. After that, he made a mental note to see Kuroo right after that. He realized he was losing both of them on the same day but he also realized the only thing he could do was let go.

He said what he had to say. Yamaguchi got out of his car and didn’t look back even once when he slowly drove away. He didn’t say goodbye. Tsukishima had never felt so overwhelmed as well as hallow while driving all the way to Kuroo. Before he knew it, he had reached there and was knocking on his door. Kuroo opened it, he had a blank look on his face. “I told Yamaguchi about us.”

“I’m guessing he didn’t take it well.”

“We broke up.”

“Thought so.” Tsukishima didn’t like the lack of emotion in his voice but he knew he couldn’t ask for more. So he just continued, “I don’t think we should continue seeing each other.”

“Agreed.”

Tsukishima should’ve walked away then and there but he just stood there. Kuroo then asked, “Is there something else?”

Tsukishima shouldn’t have asked, he should’ve left, “Did you ever love me? Maybe at one point before you found out.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah, since high school.”

There was silence, Tsukishima doesn’t know what he was expecting next. Just a yes or no. But the next thing he heard hurt more than anything.

“I’m sorry, I love someone else.” And with that Kuroo closed the door. Leaving Tsukishima wanting to scream.

But he couldn’t. He realized he had finally lost the two things he was desperately trying to hold on to. He realized how much he fucked up.

**Author's Note:**

> my beta reader wants to kill me
> 
> i swear love tsukishima and yamaguchi


End file.
